Diapers & Toilet Paper

[Note: I’m starting to think that most of these things were not actually made in June or July of 2006. Most likely that’s when I put them on a recent computer from a download file or something. If I did write all of these things in a one-month strand, that was a very good month. I wrote this as a forum post for a website. It wasn’t meant to be published, I don’t think so anyway. It’s mostly a rant piece.]

As some of you know, I work in the stock department of a grocery store chain that’s in Chapter 11 bankruptcy, has a movie out about how cool dogs can be that are named after them, and is run by a bunch of people surrounded by Yes Men.

Anyway, as Stock Associate #2 (of 4) I see many of the items that come into the store as I put them on the shelves. One of the things I’ve noticed is the variety of diapers we have on the shelves.

We have no drip, slow drip, stop leak, pull up, pull down, etc varieties of diapers spread across five brands (well, actually six, but I don’t count the TWO store brand diapers separately).

I filled the shelves up with examples from all of the brands today and I found something peculiar about them. The Luvs brand diaper bags all have images of cute (but fully clothed) babies with sparkling, most likely computer enhanced eyes. Huggies and Pampers packages have babies in nothing but their diapers in all sorts of suggestive poses. The store brand(s) have no images of babies, and finally, Pull-Ups have pictures of babies sitting on little toilets proclaiming how they “are a big kid now.”

That’s when it dawned on me. The diaper industry is nothing more than a legal front for the Kiddie Porn Underground (KPU). Every bag, every size of diapers has a picture of a different flavor of baby. Some bags have white babies; others have Asian, African-American, etc.

It’s more acceptable for some guy who is in the KPU to go and buy a bag of diapers than to go download junk off the Internet. After all, whose gonna question the guy with the weird look on his face at 2AM buying diapers? Most people would think it’s just a grumpy new dad upset that he had to truck out to the store in the middle of the night.

It’s not just the diaper industry; the toilet paper industry is in it as well. There are several brands of toilet paper with pictures of babies playing in toilet paper, heck, there’s even a few brands that feature bears and rabbits on the bag. And come to think of it, that Brawny Man looks blatantly homosexual.

If you’ve read this far, I’m sure you’re thinking something like, “Brad, you pose a good argument, but are you off your medication?”

For proof, we venture down another aisle. The aisle where they keep the Adult Depends Undergarments, basically they’re diapers for old people. Look at the bags, do you see any pictures of bald toothless 80-year-old men on them? No, you do not!

What was that? What aisle are the whips and bondage gear on? I think it’s aisle 11, have fun.

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