House M.D. The Game

A few weeks ago a thought popped into my mind: “If they made a game based on the television show House, what would it be like?”

Legacy Interactive answered my question.

The short answer: Horrible.

The long answer:

First off, the graphics can’t really be called “graphics” they look more like they hired the guy who does paintings of courtroom trials, asked him to watch a few episodes of House and recreate a few choice images.

House is holding a ball.

The dialogue can only be described as “House inspired.” While examining patients via text and an oddly drawn picture you get to direct the conversation with any number of choice House-isms. None of which are funny.

The only actual bits of “gameplay” in this game are stilted and paint-by-numbers. When examining a patient, you’re given a set of tools, but you can only select the one tool you’re allowed to use for whatever you need to do. Why can’t I poke my patient in the eye with a scalpel?

Remember the parts in the episodes where House and his team are sitting around a table throwing around diagnosis around while House shoots them down with a pithy comeback?

Yeah, well, here it’s like a weird version of hangman where diagnosis float around on the screen while a series of blank letters slowly fill in with the diagnosis. If you select the right diagnosis in time, House tells you to do a mini-game to do a test, if not, it still goes to the mini-game.

I had no idea that doctors had to spin blood samples by hand… I thought that machine spun them automatically. Yep, you have to spin your mouse in a circle in order to spin blood samples to separate the blood from the plasma.

If you fail any part of the mini-game or the diagnosis finding section, you are given one chance to do it again. If you fail a second time, House or Cuddy say they’ll do it themselves and you move on anyway.

The only part of the game where you aren’t given a time limit to do anything is when you’re in a patient’s house or place of business and are snooping for the clues that glow green when your mouse pointer hits them.

I can’t say enough how bad this game is. Granted, I only played a time-locked demo. You’re given an hour to do what you can in the game. Here, I’ll give you the appropriate links so you can waste an hour you will never get back.

Official game site: House Game Site
Game Demo: File Planet link for the House demo.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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